Ups, Downs, Life, Sobriety

    I have to be honest.  When I first took a glance at these photos, I cringed.  My face is fuller. Like WAY fuller than it has ever been. For all who know me well, I often use a common phrase: "When I got sober three things happened and in this order - I got sober, sassy, and fat." This obviously was light-hearted fun and funny at first, however; it slowly took on a heavier meaning. As in the moment I glanced at these photos which were taken yesterday.  Mind you, as you all know, I have a tendency to overthink, EVERYTHING. So, it should not be much of a surprise that I have been stewing in this thought since last night. You would be pleased to know that my attitude and thought process took on a bit of a changed outlook hence this blog entry.  Do you want to know what enlightenment is?  :: Deep Breath:: It is with me every moment. It paces back and forth. Back and forth. Slowly waiting for me to grip onto it.  For me,  It is letting go of my...

Where's the exit?  Is there an end in sight?  Holding my head up high, but it's not working.  I just want to run away. (( thoughts that used to consume my mind )) Now, I consider those things lost in the fire. I mostly embrace feelings as learning experiences and not darkness or hopelessness. I think I have learned well enough that suffering is necessary... whether they are man-made or self-made; it's life. Suffering is part of joy. Our ego gets cracked open. Shattered, really. Our feet are pointed into a direction we most definitely don't see coming. More often than not, for me at least, it takes away everything I thought I wanted and usually shows me the truth of what is needed.   Here lately, my suffering is directly related to ME choosing not to surrender some areas of my life that I'd still like to control or "figure out."  An apology I believe I deserve.  An explanation I desperately need.  A "why?" answered.  A "but, wait.." This...

My preface to this: I know and understand in November I wrote a post about healing and moving forward and all these things about my marriage/divorce and lessons, takeaways, etc. I get that. In fact, it was and still is today the most emotionally viewed blog post I've yet to write. That said, I stand by everything I wrote then... however, it has become clear to me that I'm not okay with this outcome at least not how I would like to see my heart at this moment in time. If anything, I think I have yet to heal fully and have more questions now than I did then. I am not sure if this is all part of this grieving process or if I did a great fucking job at numbing some of the feelings in November to simply get through that moment in time. Chances are... it's both.  I don't think any of us can ever say our truth is better than someone else's - and that's okay because everyone's truth IS different. How we survived, how we cope, how we saw something, how we perceive so...

  Words.  Why do we fall for them?  Why do we allow them to carry so much weight?  Why do the shortest combinations of them hit us like bullets?  I used to see the value in words. In fact, they carried entirely too much validation in my world. And then, well, I’m not sure what happened other than maybe healing… but, they stopped weighing so much and I began to question them more and more.  I look at them and now weigh them against a persons actions. What I have learned the past three months - I don’t like this new behavior. And here’s why: When actions don’t line up with words my heart SCREAMS at me to SEE but the hope in me fights my heart… my hope SCREAMS, “wait, NO, their words said…”  And the above, left my heart shattered yesterday. How does someone just turn you off like a light switch without a second thought? Months of words and no action and my stupidity led me to become a switch.  And here’s the thing, I’ve always been an open book about...

Experience: the most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my god do you learn. - CS Lewis.  Every story is beautiful. Ours was.  I have been waiting for the right moment to tell ours, to share it. It is so much more than what meets the eye and we have always been vocal. Before you go any farther down the page to satisfy your thirst and curiosity please stop here.  Evaluate your heart.  If it isn't coming from a good place, I have to ask you to leave. You see, this story.... it's broken, it's beautiful, it's tiring, it's sad, it's mad, but mostly, it is ours.  How do you begin to summarize the end? It's close to impossible. And quite honestly, I am sharing because the brokenness is what makes us beautiful in the end.... if we allow it, of course. Our broken, it's intense BUT the lessons that came out of the mess are too precious to be held in secret.  So, I am going to just dive in.  You see, we met broken. Oh man, we were beautifully broken. We came from...

I have to preface this bit by stating that I’ve spent precious time getting my heart right before writing this. My emotions started out with anger, then disbelief, shock, which led to discouragement, that took me to listening to others views, which led me to the Bible. Diving in head first to read about Jesus, His ministry, and His responses. While my heart is in a calm place my stance is firm, my beliefs unwavering, and my cry for action remains loud.  For those of you whose faith may be weary, who may not believe in God, who have been hurt by a Christian, who have questions allow me to say, hang on! This piece isn’t to shove my belief on you as much as it is to share just how GREAT, just, and loving God is... to share with you the truth. To shed light on what we are called to do, how to act, and how to respond in troubled times, racism, brokenness in general.  Are we to take action?  Yes!  The Sermon on the Mount was full of some of Jesus’ best teachings. But one p...

I was trapped in mud in the middle of a dark forest.  All I wanted and still do, sometimes, is to sleep or run away. That's what being stuck felt like.  Uncomfortable...yes, but all too familiar.  Looking down at the mud I knew I couldn't keep running. I had to buck up. I had to kick myself out of my comfort zone. Years later, I am still learning. I am learning that not only did I have to change circumstances but that I also needed to change physically, and over all mentally as well.  Rain and mud give life. Rain helps things grow and mud, well, it isnt always pretty but comes with the territory. God designed both and they usually come hand in hand with our crops, flowers, etc during this particular season. I've always been fond of storms and maybe God knew I would always relate best to them.  Slowly, I felt better. I rediscovered hobbies, likes, dislikes, boundaries and much more. Yet, I felt something still awry.  As growth goes, these discoveries can oft...