Chapter: Fuller Life. Fuller Face. Fuller Heart.

  


I have to be honest. 

When I first took a glance at these photos, I cringed. 

My face is fuller. Like WAY fuller than it has ever been. For all who know me well, I often use a common phrase: "When I got sober three things happened and in this order - I got sober, sassy, and fat." This obviously was light-hearted fun and funny at first, however; it slowly took on a heavier meaning. As in the moment I glanced at these photos which were taken yesterday. 

Mind you, as you all know, I have a tendency to overthink, EVERYTHING. So, it should not be much of a surprise that I have been stewing in this thought since last night. You would be pleased to know that my attitude and thought process took on a bit of a changed outlook hence this blog entry. 

Do you want to know what enlightenment is? 

:: Deep Breath::

It is with me every moment. It paces back and forth. Back and forth. Slowly waiting for me to grip onto it. 

For me, 

It is letting go of my attachments... 

to myself

to outcomes

letting go as the way things are. 

If I could let go of everything or I could let go of right or wrong my enlightenment would get deeper and deeper... and at times, when I reach this, it's amazing. 

I can always sense a lifetime of judgment against myself that I so relentlessly hold onto, sometimes. And when I let go and accept everything as it is I let go of my own judgment against myself. 

If I keep seeking to be awakened from this illusion and I constantly understand that black implies white, self implies other, life implies death or death implies life, I'll be able to feel not as a stranger in the world not as something here on probation. Not as something that has arrived here by fluke. I can begin to understand that my existence is something absolutely fundamental. 

So, while I may not LOVE my fuller face - I do LOVE my fuller life. I worked for this place day in and day out. Blood. Sweat. Tears. And my God, He held me together. He led me to this fuller life. 

The reality of my fuller face, fuller life, fuller heart: it's gorgeous. It's a total joy. The universe is a total joy of existence. Just like my cheeks. 

Tonight, I see that truth. I believe that truth. 

I think I enjoy that I am not a cookie-cutter version of "beautiful" but rather a bold, loud, vivacious woman who is everything BUT the latter. 

So, long ago, in my addiction, I gambled a dream. And I dreamed where I am now. I am living it now. 

The nature of love is self-abandonment. And while, I struggle, as we all do, with self, I do understand getting rid of self is imperative to continued growth. At least the constant surrendering myself to God and not clinging to my own self. 

Here's to the fuller face I will grow to love. 

Here's to the fuller life I've come to appreciate every minute I'm in it. 

And, here's to the fuller heart, that is a constant work in progress but so much more full than it ever was in the darkest of days. 



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