Muddy Waters & Authenticity

I was trapped in mud in the middle of a dark forest. 

All I wanted and still do, sometimes, is to sleep or run away. That's what being stuck felt like. 

Uncomfortable...yes, but all too familiar. 

Looking down at the mud I knew I couldn't keep running. I had to buck up. I had to kick myself out of my comfort zone.

Years later, I am still learning. I am learning that not only did I have to change circumstances but that I also needed to change physically, and over all mentally as well. 

Rain and mud give life. Rain helps things grow and mud, well, it isnt always pretty but comes with the territory. God designed both and they usually come hand in hand with our crops, flowers, etc during this particular season. I've always been fond of storms and maybe God knew I would always relate best to them. 

Slowly, I felt better. I rediscovered hobbies, likes, dislikes, boundaries and much more. Yet, I felt something still awry. 

As growth goes, these discoveries can often be intimidating but yet eventually.... We marvel in them. The mud isn't something to be afraid of anymore. It's a moment in time I have been given to learn and grow. 

My discovery, my hole: authenticity. Not that I haven't been but that I wasn't being all the way true to me. I was/am holding some of that back. Not letting myself shine 100% of the time. 

Why? 

I discovered in my quarantine reading the answer. And it stems from a book, shout out to The Gothenburg Library, particularly Mary in this situation! She finds me gems non-stop. My life changed, yet again, after closing the book. I was so horribly convicted, I had to share. 

You see, authenticity was the culprit in this book and boy did it change lives, old habits, old thoughts, etc. I wondered what that would REALLY look like in Gothenburg. 

What would Erika look like if she didn't hold back? What would you look like if you didn't hold back? 

Behold, one of the best excerpts from the book: 

"How well do you know the people who live near you? How well do they know you? Do you even know their names? Would you realize if they were in trouble or hadn't left their house for days?

Everyone lies about their lives. What would happen if you shared the truth instead? The one thing that defines you, that makes everything else about you fall into place? Not on the internet, but with those real people around you? 

Perhaps Nothing. Or maybe telling that story would change your life, or the life of someone you've not yet met. 

That's what I want to find out." 

- The Authenticity Project 

I challenge you to answer. I challenge you to own who you are, free it from your inside, and thank God for the journey.

 Who are you really? Can you look in the mirror and know that you are you flaws and all for a very specific reason? Can you be honest about your habit and change if bad? Can you allow people to love you for you? 

I'll start: I'm Erika. I'm a recovering alcoholic/addict. I LOVE dreadlocks and have them myself. I cut them shorter awhile ago after some looks and comments. Would I really be turned down a job because of my hair? Was I really odd for having them? I am super afraid of people. I feel I am always inferior to others and their lives. I have a daughter in Ohio who I yearn to know again. I am 35 and in debt with an impossible dream of opening a recovery home in our area for those in addiction to learn a better way of life with God. I never graduated college. I have a hard time saying "no." I love all things art and Stevie Nicks. It takes me an embarrassing amount of time to learn someone's name, most of the time. Forgive me. I can be judgemental and over emotional when I'm passionate. My love for animals, homeless, and addicts is much more than I can handle. I am afraid of rejection and of being alone forever. Lastly, I suck at making friends. 

You'd be happy to know, or maybe not, my dreadlocks are back and aren't leaving. They are me. I am working on this list. I am growing but mostly, I just want to be authentic to who I am. Not who someone else wants me to be. 

If you're wondering about my neighbors... I have learned the past year about who they are, looking after them in a way I know how. Am I convinced I know their authenticity? No. Will I? Maybe. Maybe not. What I do know is that they will know mine.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;" Psalm 139:13-14