Roll The Dice

My preface to this: I know and understand in November I wrote a post about healing and moving forward and all these things about my marriage/divorce and lessons, takeaways, etc. I get that. In fact, it was and still is today the most emotionally viewed blog post I've yet to write. That said, I stand by everything I wrote then... however, it has become clear to me that I'm not okay with this outcome at least not how I would like to see my heart at this moment in time. If anything, I think I have yet to heal fully and have more questions now than I did then. I am not sure if this is all part of this grieving process or if I did a great fucking job at numbing some of the feelings in November to simply get through that moment in time. Chances are... it's both. 

I don't think any of us can ever say our truth is better than someone else's - and that's okay because everyone's truth IS different. How we survived, how we cope, how we saw something, how we perceive something, how we love, how we heal, how we feel, how we think, how we keep our home... I mean the list is endless. Yet, the only truth that remains through and through - is love. It's love because the actions behind love are fierce, endless, never-ending, consistent open - arms, strong, endearing, encouraging, persistent, and obvious. OBVIOUS. NO EXCUSES. Now that I said that out loud and typed it simultaneously, I think I understand a piece I was missing... why do you suppose we ignore someone's excuses? 

That's it. Why didn't I believe then and now the excuses were the answer? The excuses not to work on our relationship, the excuses not to stay when a storm came, the excuses not to weather the storm... but instead, to listen to all these bystanders who had not a clue about our relationship or the inside of our home or our hearts. In my previous post, I mentioned there should only be 3 people in a relationship and marriage... God, and the husband and wife.

 At this point, I just don't care how explicit I am in this post, because, well, it's my healing journey and I'm so fucking sick and tired of doubting my worth, questioning why I wasn't good enough, wondering a million different scenarios, just straight up questioning who the fuck I am and why God didn't do a damn thing to intervene when I cried and sobbed to him for years to save my marriage. And, if you're wondering, I clearly am not okay with why we weren't chosen but mostly, why He wouldn't take my husband's hurt away from years and years ago that bleeds through every last god damn decision he makes to this day. Sadly, I know and understand that none of this concerns me any longer, and quite frankly, shouldn't even matter. My perplexion comes from why it still manifests itself deep within me, why do I love this person so much? 

There's this stupid saying on Facebook right now that says, " they say you'll keep forgiving someone you love until you hate them.." what a lie. You never loved a so-called person then. I mean who in this world hasn't made mistakes that need to be forgiven? Who in this world has ever ONLY made one mistake? NO ONE. When you love someone, you love them and you love them unconditionally. Yes, you may have boundaries at some point in time but your "love" never should be treated like a light switch. Ever. We don't do that to our kids, our best friends, etc. I mean I couldn't wrap my mind around this saying floating around because it is that full of fallacy. In fact, Jesus doesn't flip the switch on us and how many times have we, humans, failed Him? That is why I think most people who share that and believe it to their core have no concept of what love is. You see, until you love someone more than yourself and still pray for them even through the hurt, through the lies, through the bullshit, until you STILL want their heart healed and what is best for them in life, until you forgive them and see that their decisions aren't based on you, per se, but their hurt, you have no remote idea on what love is, at all. When you LOVE someone you love them until you are home with Jesus. It doesn't mean that things don't change, that life doesn't throw curveballs, or that situations don't change, it just means no matter what, you still love them and want the best... if you have hate like this post states, you never did love that person. It's that simple. Because love never brings hate, no matter what. THE IDEA OF LOVE may bring hate but not love, not true love. 

Friends, I think that just answered all the above... that is why I love this person. That is why I love people so deeply as a whole. I've had SO many people tell me they love me in life and then flip the light switch and boom, gone. And maybe because I've experienced that so much, I give love away so freely and deeply. And I don't just say "I love you" to everyone, but when I do, I mean it to the depths of forever. And there isn't a time limit on my love, or amount of distance that turns it off, or a situation that changes my mind. I get hurt. I get sad. And then I heal. But, my love, it is steadfast. 

Some of you probably think it is stupid and dangerous to love in such a way... and I say to you, what a shame that you've never loved in that capacity. 

I suppose the culprit of this chapter would be a lack of acceptance... 

The acceptance of being okay that someone doesn't love you. 

The acceptance of loving them more than they ever dreamed of loving you. 

The acceptance that prayers are unanswered. 

The acceptance of trusting that God knows what He is doing. 

The acceptance of not taking fault for loving someone with my whole heart. 

The acceptance of I AM WORTHY. 

The acceptance of I AM DESRVING. 

The acceptance of I AM ENOUGH. 

Someone, please tell me where my fault was in loving people so deeply.... because, the only questionable outcome is that of hurt, but even then, are you even living life if you haven't loved? I really don't think so.

 And, maybe, I won't ever completely pluck this string and say "oop, all done, healed up." Maybe, this string of love for him will be woven into every area of my life wrapped in strength, lessons, love, and hope that gives me the distinct capability of shining and connecting and loving that much more. Maybe that string is meant to be a never-ending string of forgiveness and healing to get to the next chapter. To accomplish the next dream. And mostly, maybe, that string will always remain as the bravest thing I've ever done... to love so deeply with nothing in return. 

I understand to some you may think... man, she can't let go. Man, get over it already. Or insert whatever caption you'd like... but, my truth will always be that to have loved and continue to love so freely, deeply, and genuinely will forever be my best trait, the bravest thing I ever did, and one worth gold.

When you roll the dice... you roll the dice with everything in you, 100%, there is no half ass roll... you do it knowing you're going to win big or you're going to learn and if you have any intention of attempting to half-ass roll then you have no business having the dice in your hand. Same with love. When you decide to love that is a conscious decision being made on your part knowing there's heartache and changes that will come from doing so and knowing that no matter how life changes that love made you into a better, stronger person for having chosen to roll the dice and love in the beginning.