Ups, Downs, Life, Sobriety

December 18th marked the beginning of a new year for me... 35. Good grief. Age is but a number, right? Right! I am blessed to make it this far in life, that's for sure. Self - Will ran riot for years on end...so yes, I will wear 35 proudly, with all the grace I have, all the shine I possess, all the no makeup moments I now cherish and walk unashamedly with my scars. Why has it taken me so long to embrace these things? Boy, I have missed out! I have missed loving my body, loving my face, my age, my experiences. It feels good. It feels exciting. I feel vulnerable and open to new journeys.....and here...my friends, are a few. . February marked a milestone. A hard one. One that I spent minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and years praying over. Crying over. Seeking God over. Losing sleep over. Ugh. Agonizing. That is what it was. How do you embark on an ending? Is there even a "right" way? How do you say goodbye? Do you? How do you measure a relationship? I felt alone....

"And I will be to her a wall of fire all around, declares the Lord, and I will be the glory in her midst." Zechariah 2:5 Now, this is when the Lord appeared in a pillar of fire, would have been quite the sight, right? He was leading Israel to the promised land out of the wilderness. They were stubborn weren't they? Just like us! In the end times, the Lord will be a wall of fire for Israel against their enemies while they stay in their promised land. His love is steadfast isn't it? The Israelites definitely bucked their instruction on several occasions yet, here He is as always, loving them. That alone brings hope to me during this time of doubt. Here I am. Broken. Loved. Yet, my compass is spastic. All over the place. Here are the things I know: - My heart was feeling uneasy - I believed whatever it was, wasn't a big deal - I chalked it up to the change I have endured this past year - It would eventually go away..... I was confident in these "f...

The fall of humankind is intensely disheartening and exasperating. We can't escape it nor can we turn an eye away; what do we do? For starters, we have to understand we can't face this type of dark without God. We all, well most, know this world was born into sin. I believe this can easily be forgotten as for some unknown reason Christians are held to an extremely high standard - as though we aren't sinners! Let me clear the air, I AM A SINNER - THE BEST OF THE BEST, SO ARE YOU, SO ARE ALL OF US! Please know the only difference here is that as a believer I wholeheartedly believe in repentance, I believe Jesus died for me, you and everyone else to wipe our sins away.  I believe that asking for forgiveness means I am also signing up for learning new behavior, healthier ways of living in this horrible world that has become so, so dark. You see, when I lived in sin (disregarding my God) I never saw an issue with my way of life. Somehow, and only God knows how, He reached me...

2 Corinthians 12:9 And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.  To begin, let me say that I have no earthly idea how we do what we do. Also, most of us (including any single full-time dad's) never asked nor dreamt of our reality. At some point, we all had visions of creating and being in a family which somehow became shattered. That said, we had a part in our shattered vision whether it was the decision of falling into a swoon of sweet talk, simple lust or living in sin ourselves which led to poor decision making.  However, here's what we didn't choose.  . The constant fight for a place in this world.  . The jobs we've lost due to sick kiddos, lack of daycare or the lack to provide funds for daycare, weekend hours that are required or the demand we put our job first and our child/chil...

Does this support the life I'm trying to create? Loaded question... yet, I find myself asking this more and more frequently. I'm almost 35 years old and I have paused to re-evaluate my life on multiple occasions just this year alone. This action has proven itself as foreign as Europe to me. I used to ask myself over and over again why I felt it necessary to question my people, places and things only to answer it this week with one simple word: healthy. I, then, asked myself why this was healthy only to answer that with: God. My desire to be surrounded by those who are inspiring, kind, followers of Jesus, encouraging, strong, honest and God-fearing is strong and because of that growing desire my life has drastically changed in two years. I started to really hone in on how I felt around certain people... would I walk away wanting to become the best version of myself? Would I walk away questioning? Obviously, everyone has bad days so that's always in account - it is...

Haunted by the distant past. It is crazy how quick the past rears its ugly head. We are pulling off the interstate at the Kearney exit. We pull into a gas station. I get out of the car. I start walking to the door and with a quick glance to the right – the car. The car I've been in. The car I've been sick in. The car I escaped pain in. The car I used to run to when I wanted to forget. There it is. I glance away. Please don't remember them nor the memories. I grab the handle to the door to enter the gas station and suddenly it feels heavier than I ever remembered. I walk to the bathroom with my head down. I pray. I beg. The memory is so alive in that moment I can barely breathe. The bathroom is how I remembered. That same bathroom I used to cry in. The same bathroom, the same mirror. Washing my hands couldn't be more of a race. Then, I look up. I see me. I see the change. The weight that never was there before in that bathroom. The eyes that are ali...

Isn't timing the most absurd concept to you? Really, think about it. I can't even count to the number of how many times I've been told, "it isn't time", "when the timing is right", "in time", "everything happens exactly when it's meant to be"... Shall I go on? Correct me if I'm wrong when I say that at one point in "time" we all want to scream at the person in front of us saying this most absurd phrase! I'm guilty. On the other side, I am not so sure I can count how many times I may have mentioned similar words to someone in a valley causing them to want to scream at me! The irony! Anyway, this past month I have been anything but a fan of time. In fact, building time Machines is a frequent conversation in my home right now. My son swears that if Avengers End Game can build a time machine - his mom can build one too, flattering, I know. Impossible, yes. Yet, the idea, the dream of being able to, the ...