35, Divorce Papers, A New Friend, And A Virus
.
February marked a milestone. A hard one. One that I spent minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and years praying over. Crying over. Seeking God over. Losing sleep over. Ugh. Agonizing. That is what it was. How do you embark on an ending? Is there even a "right" way? How do you say goodbye? Do you? How do you measure a relationship?
I felt alone. I felt scared. Mostly, sad. So, I just started to mourn. I started to understand the meaning of relationships. The important role they play in everyone's lives. For the good, for the bad. How many years have I spent so focused on rooting others on, rooting their relationships on? How many times in the midst of my addiction did I try to help another addict see their worth? Some of them did get sober while I stayed stuck. Years. A stupid amount of years. Losing myself every. single. time. I forgot about me. I forgot about my side of the street. I found myself asking over and over the past few months, "what about me?" That one question was simple yet loaded. It held uncertainty for me. What does "what about me" even look like now that I have been sober?
My answer: it looked like freedom. Not freedom to self but freedom, complete freedom, of my past. It also looked like forgiveness. I needed to forgive me. So, I did. I finally put a pen to papers I had carried around for 3 weeks. I also came to terms that I didn't have to say goodbye. I have good memories. I can hold those memories in my journey and the bad ones, I can say goodbye to them. I can part ways with them and never look back. When the papers were signed I was left with a sigh. One big sigh. I sighed forgiveness to myself. It's okay.... it's okay. Handing those papers to the court has yet to happen as well, the virus took place however, it feels as though I already did... When I laid the pen down, it was done. I chose me.
I may be judged for my choice. I may not be. I may lose friends. Maybe not. Quite honestly, I don't think I care. I think, well, I know, I am perfectly okay with my choice. I have peace. And, that matters.
.
The second milestone was the beginning of a friendship. And yes, it deserves to be spoken about, as it has been a blessing no matter how small. You see, this friend, knew me in addiction, knew me freshly sober and also knew me while I was making the choice to move to Michigan. And then they were gone. Just like that. Timing is always funny. My most favorite part of this story is it has always been random. Randomly running into one another at different moments in life. This time, well, it's been longer than previously. I am greeted with scripture in the morning. Challenged with thoughts on scripture. I laugh. I look forward to speaking to them. I opened myself up to a friendship that isn't just superficial. No matter how small it is, it exists. And if, we happen to part ways, it distinctly blessed my world in this moment in time. So, in a roundabout way, I wanted to thank them. I wanted to somehow remember this random friendship that started blossoming from nowhere. I wanted to thank them for brightening my mornings, my nights and answering some ridiculous questions while being able to innately relate to sobriety. Thank you, friend.
.
Lastly, the virus. My how it's wrecked havoc. I see a lot of quarantine updates... me, well I just decided to leave it all in one place. I am afraid. I'm trying not to live by fear but to accept the healthiness of my fear.
I was forced to make decisions about the care of my son, whether to work or not, whether to risk our health. It felt impossible to make yet, I had a peace in making it. While I greatly appreciated the offers in watching my son, I decided to care for him myself. I decided reconnecting, supporting him, teaching him, learning to play with him, learning to weather storms with him would be a priceless gift and lesson. I have every ounce of faith that God will provide for my human and I during this time as He always has... you see, being a sole provider for my human changes the game. I just am not willing nor do I believe I should have to choose between loving my son through this and sending him to house to house.
For us, it's been lonely. We have had less than handful of people checking in on us, etc. And I can't say that I am surprised. God, He loves me in that way, He surrounds me in circumstances where the only person I can truly turn to, is Him. I have had a friendship hurt since this virus has begun and yet, it confirmed what I already knew. Doesn't take away the hurt but I think knowing it was coming made the blow easier.
For two days, we have been sad. We have really felt beside ourself in navigating this debacle. I know we will be okay, we always are. I guess my point is... check on people. Please. I don't think I am bothered by not being checked in on because I know God is here. It bothers me to know others are in the same spot.
Homeschooling has been fun. I have thoroughly enjoyed watching, listening, and helping my human. It warms my heart when his heart is warmed by seeing his friends videos and teachers faces. So, to those who post, thank you.
.
I know God is active in this mess. I know God has me. I know God loves me even when others don't. Because of those facts.... I will remain strong.
.
Sincerely,
ME
Comments