Time Machines, Time and Jill and Jeff

Isn't timing the most absurd concept to you?

Really, think about it.

I can't even count to the number of how many times I've been told, "it isn't time", "when the timing is right", "in time", "everything happens exactly when it's meant to be"... Shall I go on? Correct me if I'm wrong when I say that at one point in "time" we all want to scream at the person in front of us saying this most absurd phrase! I'm guilty. On the other side, I am not so sure I can count how many times I may have mentioned similar words to someone in a valley causing them to want to scream at me! The irony!

Anyway, this past month I have been anything but a fan of time. In fact, building time Machines is a frequent conversation in my home right now. My son swears that if Avengers End Game can build a time machine - his mom can build one too, flattering, I know. Impossible, yes. Yet, the idea, the dream of being able to, the drifting thoughts that take me to a time that feels so lucid really make the impossible seem possible.

I am sure you are wondering where I am going with this so here you go, fasten your seat belts.

Time.

Time is an active addicts enemy. You may not think that to be true but as a recovering addict please know it is very true. An addict doesn't know when there last breath will be. They don't know if they are going to wake up. They don't know how they are going to get through an hour, a day without their love, their safety, what seems to them to be the ONLY thing that cares. When they do make a decision to stop using, time comes crashing in around them. Getting them to detox or treatment takes forever and a day and even then, time tells them, " one last time."

Time is an abused woman's nightmare. When will it end? How am I going to explain this? Waking up the next day feels surreal because how could someone you love do this? You get out of bed. You pick the pieces up. You get ready and for some unknown reason you must make sure your husband is okay. Time says, " it won't happen again." Then, your fear dissipates. You feel better. You're in love. Then, like clockwork, it happens again. U til after so many years time finally tells you, "this isn't going to stop, leave." By then, you're wounded. You are a different person with a road of healing so far ahead of you it seems impossible.

Time is a troubled marriage's despair. How long do you stay? Do you separate? How long do I accept this infidelity? Do I file for divorce? How long do you lift them up in prayer? Time just keeps moving. You have to accept what is and then face these questions all by yourself. You pray and pray. Time still reveals nothing. For some, time eventually heals their marriage. For others, the outcome is sour. And for the rare few, the outcome is self-love.

Time is a grieving persons endless pit. Yet, all you hear in this moment, is time makes everything easier. But, I gotta say, time has only made me angry in this particular stage of life. The questions. The routines that no longer seem normal to do without them. The days get longer. And for me, time machines are mentioned. My son is so adamant to see our two loved ones again he can barely wait to build one. He knows exactly where he wants to go...a blue house with two amazing hammock swings, with two people who made our life different for the better.

Time.

The silver lining in this particular post goes back to a previous post about storms. Despite the suffering in life we all experience, there will always be a rainbow. For me, my rainbow, it's been time.

GASP!

I know, I know. That is the irony, you guys!

God knows His stuff, can you believe that?

He knew I was going to land in Gothenburg. He knew Jill was going to pull me four years ago. He knew that that particular moment in time would forever change my son and I's life. The seed that was planted has grown into strength, independence, sobriety, friendships and so much more from ONE situation and ONE person. That said, none of that would be if time didn't exist.

So, yes I'm grateful for time when I look at my then and now.

To the friend who just entered detox, hold on.

To the friend being abused, listen to that small voice when it says leave.

To myself, you don't need to figure anything out. You are stronger than you've ever been.

To the rest, God is good at His job. I don't always understand time nor do I always like it, such as now. What I do know is that for some odd reason everything really does work out and go exactly how they should for a purpose only He created.

*Dedicated to the woman and man who loved me at my worst, guided me through abuse, encouraged my sobriety, loved my son and I like their own and forever and ever changed my life. I love you, Jill and Jeff. *