Compass
"And I will be to her a wall of fire all around, declares the Lord, and I will be the glory in her midst." Zechariah 2:5
Now, this is when the Lord appeared in a pillar of fire, would have been quite the sight, right? He was leading Israel to the promised land out of the wilderness. They were stubborn weren't they? Just like us!
In the end times, the Lord will be a wall of fire for Israel against their enemies while they stay in their promised land. His love is steadfast isn't it? The Israelites definitely bucked their instruction on several occasions yet, here He is as always, loving them. That alone brings hope to me during this time of doubt.
Here I am. Broken. Loved. Yet, my compass is spastic. All over the place. Here are the things I know:
- My heart was feeling uneasy
- I believed whatever it was, wasn't a big deal
- I chalked it up to the change I have endured this past year
- It would eventually go away.....
I was confident in these "facts", they were unwavering in a sea of confusion.
They never left. They stayed. Firmly planted. Attempting to make a home front.
You see, I started a new job in November which was nothing shy of God's miraculous love for me, His child. On my desk was a huge calendar... after the year wrapped up I was left with a huge piece of cardboard. Most people, if not all, would have thrown that away as well, I didn't. I kept it. It stayed blank for awhile until my hand wound up with a Sharpie in it... it was there I brought light to my biggest, most worrisome prayers.
Show me my heart. I knew, per previous paragraph, I had something going on that was firmly tucked away in a horribly dark spot. Show me! Please search me, Lord, I cried. I was confident whatever it may be, or things it may be, I would tackle them with full force.
He showed me, alright.
I attended IfGathering 2020 this year. I knew God was going to move...I, however, wasn't prepared for His boldness. You see, He was gracious in showing me my heart, but man, was He stern. You know, the pull up your pants, here we go, type of stern. EVERY speaker had something to say that penetrated the deepest of doubts, fears, sin, etc in me. It was uncomfortable.... needed and humbling, yet again. He always brings me back to my knees.
The two most important moments for me were when we talked about God as our Father and our compass.
Father? What is that? I see Fathers around me, I watch their interactions with their family. A Fathers love? No. Don't know what that it is. Protection? I am my own protection. Stay at an arms length of distance, please. Abandonment? Isn't that what they all do? Throw a lamp at you after a few months of life? No. None of these are characteristics of a good father I was told. For me, they are my reality. I have never known a love like God's. I have a hard time accepting His love....after all, it's only a matter of time before He leaves.
I was challenged at the IfGathering to lay those beliefs at His feet. He's my Father. While I may have no actual, physical, father or role model who fills a similar spot, I have God. Who yearns for me to cry out ABBA! If you have an amazing father that fact brings you tears of joy, if not, it probably brings you tears of hope, hurt, and confusion. He LOVES me. Yet my view of Him is skewed because of my life experience. How fair is that? Not at all, I know.
The compass. Ann V. spoke about her compass. How God is her North, our North. And she mentioned whenever we hold our compass to a radio, or battery the magnetic field gets all out of whack... we aren't focused on finding our North, our God. Grrrrrrr! Here we go again I thought when she dived into this message. GOD, I love you, do we really have to go here right now? Yup!
I pointed my compass to earthly things for months. For months. Do you think I thought this was the culprit? Absolutely, not! How absurd. Yet good ol' Ann kept chugging along. What about The Real Housewives, Erika? But God that got all the drama in me out. The chocolate? God.... I am a woman! Facebook? No, God you are silly. Going to bed so early to forget? Nonsense! Erika... listen. What about smoking cigarettes when you feel an emotion? Well, I do want to quit just not yet...
You see some strongholds? Why didn't I say something?
Here is why, here's what I believed: people are sick of you struggling. Haven't you got it together yet, you've been growing since 2016... You should have it together. There are a million other moms who literally do it all by themselves, no one else is there for them either, you can do it. Don't ask for help with Garrett, your his mom, you figure it out alone.
I am getting emotional, now. Excuse me. Deep breath.
When are you going to BELIEVE and TRUST you are wanted, you are loved by Me? Crawl up in my arms and cry. Let me pour my everlasting love on you, allow me to show you what a Fathers love is, let me in.... GOD just wanted me to see that He hasn't left me yet. That's what this whole IfGathering was for me. A love story directly to the darkest spot in my heart.
I had the chance to pray with an amazing woman at the gathering. My son also was able to spend a day with her family... a positive role model for him. I didnt even have to ask for them to hang out with Garrett, they just steppped up. While those two circumstances do not fix all these things, they were a start that planted hope and brought some relief.
I have fire around me, even if I don't see or feel it, I am protected by a Father who loves me and is always there when I turn my compass to Him.
Now, this is when the Lord appeared in a pillar of fire, would have been quite the sight, right? He was leading Israel to the promised land out of the wilderness. They were stubborn weren't they? Just like us!
In the end times, the Lord will be a wall of fire for Israel against their enemies while they stay in their promised land. His love is steadfast isn't it? The Israelites definitely bucked their instruction on several occasions yet, here He is as always, loving them. That alone brings hope to me during this time of doubt.
Here I am. Broken. Loved. Yet, my compass is spastic. All over the place. Here are the things I know:
- My heart was feeling uneasy
- I believed whatever it was, wasn't a big deal
- I chalked it up to the change I have endured this past year
- It would eventually go away.....
I was confident in these "facts", they were unwavering in a sea of confusion.
They never left. They stayed. Firmly planted. Attempting to make a home front.
You see, I started a new job in November which was nothing shy of God's miraculous love for me, His child. On my desk was a huge calendar... after the year wrapped up I was left with a huge piece of cardboard. Most people, if not all, would have thrown that away as well, I didn't. I kept it. It stayed blank for awhile until my hand wound up with a Sharpie in it... it was there I brought light to my biggest, most worrisome prayers.
Show me my heart. I knew, per previous paragraph, I had something going on that was firmly tucked away in a horribly dark spot. Show me! Please search me, Lord, I cried. I was confident whatever it may be, or things it may be, I would tackle them with full force.
He showed me, alright.
I attended IfGathering 2020 this year. I knew God was going to move...I, however, wasn't prepared for His boldness. You see, He was gracious in showing me my heart, but man, was He stern. You know, the pull up your pants, here we go, type of stern. EVERY speaker had something to say that penetrated the deepest of doubts, fears, sin, etc in me. It was uncomfortable.... needed and humbling, yet again. He always brings me back to my knees.
The two most important moments for me were when we talked about God as our Father and our compass.
Father? What is that? I see Fathers around me, I watch their interactions with their family. A Fathers love? No. Don't know what that it is. Protection? I am my own protection. Stay at an arms length of distance, please. Abandonment? Isn't that what they all do? Throw a lamp at you after a few months of life? No. None of these are characteristics of a good father I was told. For me, they are my reality. I have never known a love like God's. I have a hard time accepting His love....after all, it's only a matter of time before He leaves.
I was challenged at the IfGathering to lay those beliefs at His feet. He's my Father. While I may have no actual, physical, father or role model who fills a similar spot, I have God. Who yearns for me to cry out ABBA! If you have an amazing father that fact brings you tears of joy, if not, it probably brings you tears of hope, hurt, and confusion. He LOVES me. Yet my view of Him is skewed because of my life experience. How fair is that? Not at all, I know.
The compass. Ann V. spoke about her compass. How God is her North, our North. And she mentioned whenever we hold our compass to a radio, or battery the magnetic field gets all out of whack... we aren't focused on finding our North, our God. Grrrrrrr! Here we go again I thought when she dived into this message. GOD, I love you, do we really have to go here right now? Yup!
I pointed my compass to earthly things for months. For months. Do you think I thought this was the culprit? Absolutely, not! How absurd. Yet good ol' Ann kept chugging along. What about The Real Housewives, Erika? But God that got all the drama in me out. The chocolate? God.... I am a woman! Facebook? No, God you are silly. Going to bed so early to forget? Nonsense! Erika... listen. What about smoking cigarettes when you feel an emotion? Well, I do want to quit just not yet...
You see some strongholds? Why didn't I say something?
Here is why, here's what I believed: people are sick of you struggling. Haven't you got it together yet, you've been growing since 2016... You should have it together. There are a million other moms who literally do it all by themselves, no one else is there for them either, you can do it. Don't ask for help with Garrett, your his mom, you figure it out alone.
I am getting emotional, now. Excuse me. Deep breath.
When are you going to BELIEVE and TRUST you are wanted, you are loved by Me? Crawl up in my arms and cry. Let me pour my everlasting love on you, allow me to show you what a Fathers love is, let me in.... GOD just wanted me to see that He hasn't left me yet. That's what this whole IfGathering was for me. A love story directly to the darkest spot in my heart.
I had the chance to pray with an amazing woman at the gathering. My son also was able to spend a day with her family... a positive role model for him. I didnt even have to ask for them to hang out with Garrett, they just steppped up. While those two circumstances do not fix all these things, they were a start that planted hope and brought some relief.
I have fire around me, even if I don't see or feel it, I am protected by a Father who loves me and is always there when I turn my compass to Him.
Comments