You Can, I Can, We Can But Mostly God Can.

Does this support the life I'm trying to create?

Loaded question... yet, I find myself asking this more and more frequently.

I'm almost 35 years old and I have paused to re-evaluate my life on multiple occasions just this year alone. This action has proven itself as foreign as Europe to me. I used to ask myself over and over again why I felt it necessary to question my people, places and things only to answer it this week with one simple word: healthy. I, then, asked myself why this was healthy only to answer that with: God.

My desire to be surrounded by those who are inspiring, kind, followers of Jesus, encouraging, strong, honest and God-fearing is strong and because of that growing desire my life has drastically changed in two years. I started to really hone in on how I felt around certain people... would I walk away wanting to become the best version of myself? Would I walk away questioning? Obviously, everyone has bad days so that's always in account - it is only a red flag when the person consistently makes me question, confused, sad, alone, etc. that I evaluate their presence in my son and I's world. And by that, I mean our circle. Our go to people. Our every day people. Unfortunately, we all know it is a fact we become a part of who we around and the more I think I grow the more imperative this part of the puzzle becomes. For me, it's also one of the most important keys to my continued sobriety.

Along with that, my desire to grow and overcome is just as strong and I have slowly been learning that as a human I can not only outgrow friendships but also places. This particular puzzle piece astounded me for the simple fact a place is just that, a place. How could a place hold anything of subsistence to my growth? This year has taught me this piece very slowly but very steadily. I was befuddled to know this was a reality and only understood when it became a part of my own.

When I started learning who I was in Christ, who He says I am, the game changed. I started becoming less and less tolerable of those who would mistreat me. Now, in the same sense I have been able to show grace and mercy in these situations as opposed to how I once reacted which is only by the grace of God. Yet, when put in the heart of a situation where treatment is nothing shy of unfair you naturally ask how long do I stay? Well, only God knows that one! However, I am almost positive that part of growing is stepping away in faith knowing a situation no longer serves who you are becoming and who we are following, Jesus. But hold on because you will see this thought unravel through my post.

All these revelations snowballed into my quest for a job in the midst of the jobs I have currently. While I have three, I'm exhausted. My heart yearns for stability, a future, less worry and roots. And while I am always able to make our bills, our income varies every paycheck which then leave me in a constant state of worry. I have no root or future in any of these jobs. Leaving me to feel like a feather floating aimlessly in the wind.

After my past and conquering those demons with God my desire for the things stated above are extremely strong. I've been denied job after job after job in our small town. That has made me a professional at hearing the word "no" now and being able to walk away with the confidence of God having a plan. Yet, the hurt and embarrassment leaves me feeling as though I am not wanted and mostly, I am not good enough. This battle in my head has been going strong for a year now! I know without a doubt that one of these jobs brings more pain and stress than necessary to my world YET God will not remove me. Which throws a curve ball into my belief of walking away from things that no longer serve me stage and leaves the good ol' question, why? What about this place do I need to learn? Who am I to serve? Why must I suffer? Haven't I suffered enough?

In the midst of this rant I hear, for such a time as this. Now, it beats me what "this" is and perturbs me on a deeply disturbing level of not understanding why nor why. I refuse to believe that my God wants anyone to suffer which then leads me to the same thing I've done for one year, accept it, knowing God never allows this without a reason.

I continue to ask myself the question, is this serving my life in areas where I am able to decide... such as, extracurricular activities and commitments I have taken on. The areas that are not in my control - I ask the question to God and allow the room needed to learn, to become humble, to look at myself, to let Him do His job despite wanting to drive the bus. After-all, it is because of His grace, mercy, love and divinity that I am sober, that I am not homeless, that I am not in an abusive relationship, I am not cutting myself, I am not starving myself, that I am free in His arms. Those facts in my personal life remind me of just how good He is at His job. I must throw in here that I still have fits when talking to God - it is just part of life for me. The difference is that I choose to not make any decisions unless I know it is God - lead which is why hearing "no" has become easier.

I learned how to love myself the second God grabbed a hold of this sinner of a girl and brought me back home to shape and mold me for His plan.

I will accept my situation and do my best to remain humble enough to learn as there is no other reason I am in this season and haven't been moved.


I will end this entry with one of my most favorite quotes courtesy of the Big Book from Alcoholics Anonymous:

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems.
When I am disturbed,
it is because I find some person,
place, thing, or situation - some fact of
my life - unacceptable to me, and
I can find no serenity until
I accept that person, place, thing, or
situation as being exactly the way it
is supposed to be at this moment.
Nothing, absolutely nothing happens
in God's world by mistake. Until I could
accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober;
unless I accept life completely on life's
terms, I cannot be happy. I need to
concentrate not so much on what needs
to be changed in the world as on
what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes.

Big Book pg. 417

*Disclaimer*

While, this post seems positive in the discovery area please know, I am a single mom who struggles every day with not only my duties as a mom, but those of a human and my faith. Some days are full of anxiety and despair. I question my capability of raising my son in God ALL THE TIME. I go through some days of questioning my purpose on this earth, why am I still here? I mess up. I fall. While, I react better than my past I still go through periods of realizing how ugly I can be. I sometimes serve cereal for dinner. I sometimes consider making it through the day sober as the biggest feat I have accomplished that day. Just know, you are not alone and choosing to get out of our thoughts and waking up another day means we all still have purpose.