Ups, Downs, Life, Sobriety

My preface to this: I know and understand in November I wrote a post about healing and moving forward and all these things about my marriage/divorce and lessons, takeaways, etc. I get that. In fact, it was and still is today the most emotionally viewed blog post I've yet to write. That said, I stand by everything I wrote then... however, it has become clear to me that I'm not okay with this outcome at least not how I would like to see my heart at this moment in time. If anything, I think I have yet to heal fully and have more questions now than I did then. I am not sure if this is all part of this grieving process or if I did a great fucking job at numbing some of the feelings in November to simply get through that moment in time. Chances are... it's both.  I don't think any of us can ever say our truth is better than someone else's - and that's okay because everyone's truth IS different. How we survived, how we cope, how we saw something, how we perceive so...

  Words.  Why do we fall for them?  Why do we allow them to carry so much weight?  Why do the shortest combinations of them hit us like bullets?  I used to see the value in words. In fact, they carried entirely too much validation in my world. And then, well, I’m not sure what happened other than maybe healing… but, they stopped weighing so much and I began to question them more and more.  I look at them and now weigh them against a persons actions. What I have learned the past three months - I don’t like this new behavior. And here’s why: When actions don’t line up with words my heart SCREAMS at me to SEE but the hope in me fights my heart… my hope SCREAMS, “wait, NO, their words said…”  And the above, left my heart shattered yesterday. How does someone just turn you off like a light switch without a second thought? Months of words and no action and my stupidity led me to become a switch.  And here’s the thing, I’ve always been an open book about...

Experience: the most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my god do you learn. - CS Lewis.  Every story is beautiful. Ours was.  I have been waiting for the right moment to tell ours, to share it. It is so much more than what meets the eye and we have always been vocal. Before you go any farther down the page to satisfy your thirst and curiosity please stop here.  Evaluate your heart.  If it isn't coming from a good place, I have to ask you to leave. You see, this story.... it's broken, it's beautiful, it's tiring, it's sad, it's mad, but mostly, it is ours.  How do you begin to summarize the end? It's close to impossible. And quite honestly, I am sharing because the brokenness is what makes us beautiful in the end.... if we allow it, of course. Our broken, it's intense BUT the lessons that came out of the mess are too precious to be held in secret.  So, I am going to just dive in.  You see, we met broken. Oh man, we were beautifully broken. We came from...

I have to preface this bit by stating that I’ve spent precious time getting my heart right before writing this. My emotions started out with anger, then disbelief, shock, which led to discouragement, that took me to listening to others views, which led me to the Bible. Diving in head first to read about Jesus, His ministry, and His responses. While my heart is in a calm place my stance is firm, my beliefs unwavering, and my cry for action remains loud.  For those of you whose faith may be weary, who may not believe in God, who have been hurt by a Christian, who have questions allow me to say, hang on! This piece isn’t to shove my belief on you as much as it is to share just how GREAT, just, and loving God is... to share with you the truth. To shed light on what we are called to do, how to act, and how to respond in troubled times, racism, brokenness in general.  Are we to take action?  Yes!  The Sermon on the Mount was full of some of Jesus’ best teachings. But one p...

I was trapped in mud in the middle of a dark forest.  All I wanted and still do, sometimes, is to sleep or run away. That's what being stuck felt like.  Uncomfortable...yes, but all too familiar.  Looking down at the mud I knew I couldn't keep running. I had to buck up. I had to kick myself out of my comfort zone. Years later, I am still learning. I am learning that not only did I have to change circumstances but that I also needed to change physically, and over all mentally as well.  Rain and mud give life. Rain helps things grow and mud, well, it isnt always pretty but comes with the territory. God designed both and they usually come hand in hand with our crops, flowers, etc during this particular season. I've always been fond of storms and maybe God knew I would always relate best to them.  Slowly, I felt better. I rediscovered hobbies, likes, dislikes, boundaries and much more. Yet, I felt something still awry.  As growth goes, these discoveries can oft...

When I painted on my pallet table on our deck I had no idea how seeing this heart would touch me every morning. Until now, that is... Friends, it's been a journey this past month. We have been given a gift of time with our loved ones, at least that's how I'm choosing to see this mess. Don't get me wrong, it's been hard, fun, challenging, isolating and all the in between....which is the inspiration behind this blog. If I'm honest, I wasn't, and I'm sure you weren't, prepared for all the emotions we would feel, experience, be burdened with and endure. Nor was I ready to fight a spiritual battle. Yet, here I am...doing just that.   It's befuddling to me how sneaky Satan can be and more so, how deceptive our hearts can be when we aren't tending them. Which leads me to a favorite verse, Esk. 36:26, "and I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a ten...

December 18th marked the beginning of a new year for me... 35. Good grief. Age is but a number, right? Right! I am blessed to make it this far in life, that's for sure. Self - Will ran riot for years on end...so yes, I will wear 35 proudly, with all the grace I have, all the shine I possess, all the no makeup moments I now cherish and walk unashamedly with my scars. Why has it taken me so long to embrace these things? Boy, I have missed out! I have missed loving my body, loving my face, my age, my experiences. It feels good. It feels exciting. I feel vulnerable and open to new journeys.....and here...my friends, are a few. . February marked a milestone. A hard one. One that I spent minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and years praying over. Crying over. Seeking God over. Losing sleep over. Ugh. Agonizing. That is what it was. How do you embark on an ending? Is there even a "right" way? How do you say goodbye? Do you? How do you measure a relationship? I felt alone....