Divorce, Endings, and Healing (PT.2) - Final Goodbye

I want to preface with: "life can be so fucking cruel and hard, and I've wanted to quit living it so many times, but then moments like these remind me that happiness isn't some permanent thing we're all trying to achieve in life, it's merely a thing that shows up every now and then, sometimes in tiny doses that are just substantial enough to keep us going."

I know I wrote a blog about my divorce. In that, I was strongly held to a belief of not wanting to erase my relationship: good, bad, and ugly. Because it brought me to where I am today which is beautiful, most of the time. And while the post stands true then... a few things have evolved.

Healing most definitely isn't linear and whoever once nudged us into that belief is a jackass. It is FAR from the truth. It is messy. I mean down right horrendously disastrous. My healing journey has taken more out of me than any other battle I've fought. This particular post is just that. 

I spent an hour and a half this morning deleting my memories. Photos. Messages. You may be thinking I'm in an emotional state and to your thought... you're not entirely wrong. Here's the thing though... while I once appreciated the memories and seeing them or being reminded of them (thank you, FaceBook, Google Photos, and Apple) they slowly the past year have become a hindrance. My sanity in this particular area of healing is slipping away. 

I used to look at them with gratitude. That eventually turned into anger. Which eventually led to sadness. Then back again to hope. Praying. Crying. Repeat. 

I think my heart holds as much as it can in health with the memories. Anything over that is heartbreaking and captivates me into a prison of my own design. And that's not okay. 

Everyone heals differently. I made it a point to heal from this as healthy as I could. Grounded in sobriety. Grounded in faith. Grounded with reality. And somehow, I still failed. Because here I am again writing my pain and thoughts on a blog that no one cares to read. And, here I am again posting the last of the photos into a video to document my life and journey. 

Sounds terribly sad, I know. And, as always, the transparency and the reality of my morning - was sad. I screamed in my new office chair with huge tears running down my face knowing as hard and as heartbreaking deleting these photos were; I needed it. My heart needed it. I have barely been able to breathe. And afterward, I sighed a deep breath in. It was time. 

It was time to say my last goodbye to him, us, the memories, the hope, and to end the prayers I've been fervently praying over him since 2014. God has him. 

In the midst, of pain, we all know there's beauty. Divorce. Love. They are hard. They are tricky. They are hard to get through. And the light I know is coming; will be glorious. 

If you are reading this... don't be afraid to heal messily. I promise it's the only way. You gotta scream. Cry. Laugh. Feel. Talk. Pray. Scream again. And repeat. Anything that remotely looks linear... run from. It isn't true. 

As for me, 

I'll keep walking one foot in front of the other. I will survive as always. And, I'll learn more lessons. And one day, this post will be far off in the distant forest blowing with the trees as effortlessly as it came into my life and heart. 

Here's the final goodbye. 

An ode to myself:

It's going to be okay, Erika. You loved hard and fiercely. Mostly, you were strong enough to let go and heal and just because it took you longer than him or others doesn't mean you failed. It just means you let yourself feel and you didn't escape or numb. I promise that you will be happy again Erika. You will. Your heart will be loved. Until then, keep being a badass woman crushing your damn dreams after years of hating yourself and loving others more.