Divorce, Endings, and Healing

Experience: the most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my god do you learn. - CS Lewis. 

Every story is beautiful. Ours was.

 I have been waiting for the right moment to tell ours, to share it. It is so much more than what meets the eye and we have always been vocal. Before you go any farther down the page to satisfy your thirst and curiosity please stop here. 

Evaluate your heart. 

If it isn't coming from a good place, I have to ask you to leave. You see, this story.... it's broken, it's beautiful, it's tiring, it's sad, it's mad, but mostly, it is ours. 

How do you begin to summarize the end? It's close to impossible. And quite honestly, I am sharing because the brokenness is what makes us beautiful in the end.... if we allow it, of course. Our broken, it's intense BUT the lessons that came out of the mess are too precious to be held in secret. 

So, I am going to just dive in. 

You see, we met broken. Oh man, we were beautifully broken. We came from pain. Deep rooted pain. 

The irony here is I wanted my friend to be so much more but the answer I received: "go to treatment, get better." At the time, that felt like the most loving statement someone could say to another. I did go. I got home and guess who was standing in my yard? Yup. Sure enough, there he was....just like he said. Sigh. The beginning is always beautiful, isn't it? 

It turned south pretty quickly when we threw drinking into the mix. But, hey, we were in love. We knew know better. We had no examples before us to set the tone for what a relationship should be. Minus the movies and such - I mean to us, that was garbage. Who had a relationship even close to what is resembled in books and movies? No one, at least if they are honest. So, we picked the pieces up and kept moving on. The funny thing is, our brokenness only grew..... silently. 

You see, when you are so desperately trying to heal on your own and be happy with another... destruction looms over you. You just can't see it. Here's what I will say... we loved. We loved hard. Fast. Fiercely. Destructively. We loved. 

We wanted a family so bad. We both grew up with a lack thereof, at least with an immediate family. We wanted kids, mom and dad. We tried. God, we tried. But, darkness and our unhealed parts were shining through strong. Our jealousy grew. Our insecurities grew. Our addictions grew. We lied. We screamed. We cried. We left. We broke stuff. We cleaned it up. We kissed. We were happy. 

We couldn't find peace. We avoided it, like a plague. 

Things got bad. 

Garrett and I were kicked out. 

We moved. 

I cried. I couldn't live life without him. Who was I? Why wasn't I good enough? Am I that undeserving of love? What am I supposed to do now? This. This is the moment where God came back in my life. He made himself so clear yet, I wasn't ready. I couldn't. Not yet. 

I wasn't strong enough to let go. I held on. We fought on the phone. We ignored each other on the phone. He drove by. He watched the house. he disappeared. I cried even harder. It is important to note here how our versions of love and fighting and making up and worthiness plays a toll in our judgment. I don't think either of us maliciously hurt the other BUT; we did. We ruined our friendships, at least I did. We ruined each other. My self-esteem was at an all time low and it wasn't the best when I met him either. I was broken from Garrett's father. I was still trying to understand that mess. So, around and around we went - in a cycle of doom. 

We were apart for less than a year. When he came back - I ran to him. The only hug I ever knew to be safe. At the time, I didn't care he left me or kicked me out, or even hurt me, what I cared about the most was he was the ONLY one who ever came back for me. I ignored every other feeling I had of wariness. That reason alone - well, it had me. I had been abandoned my entire life. I had been told my mistakes were the worst of the worst and so, abolishment was the only way. Others made mistakes, sure, but mine couldn't compare. So, he came back and that blinded me. 

You see, when the heart becomes blinded you're in trouble. Our hearts.. oh, how glorious and deceitful they are. 

How many times can a heart break, you ask. A lot. This time... this time, I fought everyone who had watched me and Garrett grow in Christ, grow healthy, smile again, resemble some type of normalcy. I married him. Here's the thing though - I knew we both were grasping for something, anything and here it was. Surely, marrying and moving was the answer. 

No. Geographical cure is and will never be an answer to anyone who thinks their problems will dissipate if they go elsewhere.  They got worse. Way worse. I was scared. I was mad. I sat in our bathroom in Michigan begging God to help me, to save me from this pain. He did. We moved back to Nebraska. 

This. This was the beginning of the end. I think if we were both honest; we knew. We knew our love wasn't the type that could weather storms and bounce back or even be blessed by a God who loves love. We used to have countless conversations about how other's could have these detrimental situations occur and be stronger than ever because of them - but us, not even close. 

I just wanted him to stay. I wanted him to love God. I wanted him to live a life free from the shit his mom put him through, his dad, people who said loved him, who hurt him, who used him....that's all I wanted.

And I. I was the one that could change all of those things. Me. 

 He left. Again. This time right after marriage counseling with my pastor. Of course, this session was anything but fun - I was mad and wouldn't sit beside him and he was pissed off and so... we were an explosion waiting to happen. And the shitty thing was... everyone saw but us. And, even if we did, we wanted it so bad. We were killing each other and no idea. 

When he left this time, he stayed away. I walked around Gothenburg like a zombie. I fell to my knees, I screamed in my car. I prayed. I prayed for two years.

In that two years, I eventually found my footing. I gained happiness. I gained freedom. I gained myself. I found me. Mostly, I fell deeper in love with God and God wasn't shy one bit in showing me my heart, my flaws, my hurts, my sins. 

BUT. 

I was mad, oh boy, was I mad at God. I couldn't understand why in the hell He wouldn't save my marriage. Didn't Steven deserve freedom from his chains? Didn't Steven deserve to live a life with no tears, or flashbacks, or bad thoughts? Didn't WE deserve healing? 

He (God) wouldn't touch us. Eventually after a year and 5 months of praying - my prayers changed from saving my marriage to saving my husband and his life. I began praying for people to enter his world that loved God as much as I did. I prayed for my husband to know the true meaning of freedom... one away from his past, his anger, his hurts. The more I lifted only my husband in prayer the more I understood. 

It wasn't about me and my feelings anymore. It was about my husband's eternal life. I felt peace finally. I knew God heard me. I knew He held me every time I screamed in pain or when I woke up screaming from a dream about my husband. I knew I had to accept this defeat and disaster that was of my own making. This was the moment I truly understood how deceitful my heart was... how, if left unguarded, chaos blooms out of it... 

Letting go is never easy. 

And our relationship was abusive. I mean for anyone who has ever tried to love and heal at the same time... well, you were in one too. 

By the time you guys read this - Steven and I will be divorced. 

When we were waiting for the judge all we did was talk - there were two other people in that room and at one point four other people but to us, it was just Steve and I - we laughed. Then I cried when the judge asked me if I thought there was any way our marriage would work out - who wants to answer that question? I sure didn't. The judge made me though so, I said the worst words of my life.... "no, your honor." After our divorce, Steve and I hugged for a long time outside. We talked, we laughed, we shared our life with one another for the last time. 

And I can safely say it was one of the hardest, saddest, sweetest moments in my entire life. I cry writing this knowing - we tried. God, we tried. 

I have met so many people who never look back. They don't want to remember; they just want to erase. But me, no. You see, that's why I am writing this. 

I don't want to erase my love for him. My pain. My tears. My smiles. My laughter. If I did that, I would be numb to things that made me who I am today. And God, I am better for having loved him. I learned some priceless lessons through these many years. 

I remember so many people telling me to just be done. Not to look back. To file for divorce. I refused. I refused to make such a big move without seeking God. So I did. For a long time. Divorce should never be taken lightly. So, I took my time in praying over such a big thing.

 I did file eventually. 

But, let me say this... our fight for each other wasn't in vain. We gave each other everything we had then, until we had nothing left to give. We created some of the best memories together with our kids. Those memories. Those times of laughter. Those times of safety... they were worth every bit of the fight we gave. 

With his permission, I kept his last name. You see, my maiden name, yeah, it sucks. It is the name of a person who adopted my brother and I and wreaked havoc on us and my mom. 

 Richards. This name.... this name became me. I grew. I healed. I accomplished some of the best things my heart has forever wanted to do. I am flourishing.

And I only hope he is as well. 

I can't speak 100% on  his feelings but I can say this part of our story we share in common. We loved. We were fierce. We broke. We loved. We quit. We learned. 

While I will never fully understand - what I do know with absolute certainty is that we taught each other. 

So, as painful, hurtful, abusive, beautiful, happy, adventurous and tragic our story was - I will never regret something that has given me so much life, love and lessons. 

I have no idea whether I will ever have the blessing of marriage surrounded by God, with God, seeking God. And that is okay. I don't know what my future holds and that scares me. However, 

I will continue to grow. I will continue to pray that Steve finds freedom, love, and God - after all, that is all I ever wanted for him since I met him. I will share our story in hopes it gives light to those who feel like their doomed forever because of divorce or going through shit or because of their past... but let me tell you; kintsukuroi. Google it and thank me later. 

If you must know some of my biggest lessons from our story, here they are: don't do drugs, don't try and change anyone and if you are...that is your sign - it's wrong, only allow 3 people in your relationship....God, you and the other (this was one of our biggest mistakes), know who you are, I mean REALLY KNOW WHO YOU ARE and if you don't, that's okay because one day you will but don't ever get involved until you have a life that brings good to the table and not bad, and lastly... no sex before marriage.... it fucks stuff up, quick. Trust me. I learned firsthand and have never been a bigger believer in this until now. Too late for me I know, but maybe not for others and lastly, be okay with letting go and owning your shit when you messed up and changing it, IMMEDIATELY. 

So, this is the end. 

We said goodbye. 

We let each other go, gracefully, eventually. 

I obviously dedicate this to us but mostly, I would rather tell our truth than let someone else share a twisted version AND don't be afraid to share your own story. There is tremendous healing in sharing our lessons, our hurts, our happiness, our tragedies. Don't be sad you went through it... find the silver lining and march on. 

* To My Steve: I will always carry the love I have for you with me. I will never stop praying for you to know God nor will I ever stop praying for you to have the fullest life rid from all your anger. My hope for you, is that one day, one day you will forgive the ones who ate away your soul. On the flip side, I must ask you for your forgiveness. I can only pray you have forgiven me for having hurt you. For bringing my addiction into our world. For the lies. For not being who I needed to be for you. Life is beautiful when you get through the trees. It is amazing to get up and walk and know you aren't who you were. God is a good God. I know you get angry, but trust me, He is. He will love you the way you deserved to be loved as a little kid when you're ready. I hope your life will become everything you ever wanted. And know, you are loved and sought after by the One who will never forsake you.*