Ups, Downs, Life, Sobriety

My preface to this: I know and understand in November I wrote a post about healing and moving forward and all these things about my marriage/divorce and lessons, takeaways, etc. I get that. In fact, it was and still is today the most emotionally viewed blog post I've yet to write. That said, I stand by everything I wrote then... however, it has become clear to me that I'm not okay with this outcome at least not how I would like to see my heart at this moment in time. If anything, I think I have yet to heal fully and have more questions now than I did then. I am not sure if this is all part of this grieving process or if I did a great fucking job at numbing some of the feelings in November to simply get through that moment in time. Chances are... it's both.  I don't think any of us can ever say our truth is better than someone else's - and that's okay because everyone's truth IS different. How we survived, how we cope, how we saw something, how we perceive so...

  Words.  Why do we fall for them?  Why do we allow them to carry so much weight?  Why do the shortest combinations of them hit us like bullets?  I used to see the value in words. In fact, they carried entirely too much validation in my world. And then, well, I’m not sure what happened other than maybe healing… but, they stopped weighing so much and I began to question them more and more.  I look at them and now weigh them against a persons actions. What I have learned the past three months - I don’t like this new behavior. And here’s why: When actions don’t line up with words my heart SCREAMS at me to SEE but the hope in me fights my heart… my hope SCREAMS, “wait, NO, their words said…”  And the above, left my heart shattered yesterday. How does someone just turn you off like a light switch without a second thought? Months of words and no action and my stupidity led me to become a switch.  And here’s the thing, I’ve always been an open book about...